Where is the manual? I didn’t get my manual? Excuse me – IS ANYONE LISTENING????

My daughter seems to be quickly approaching the pre-teen (tween?) stage of her life and something tells me it’s time to fasten the seatbelt honey – cause you’re going for a ride!!

I want to start by saying something positive…. So that it won’t sound like all I do is complain, complain, complain. My daughter is a lovely, warm hearted, creative, polite fun loving little girl.

She also …is a liar.

Ok – that was a bit harsh – and I keep telling myself that perhaps it’s a stage, perhaps it is a defence mechanism (because her mother is going to give her an earful), or perhaps she senses she has done something wrong, or is trying to avoid something… and that’s why she does it.

On Friday’s at her school – it’s pizza day. For a $1.50 she can purchase a slice of pizza, and now for an additional $0.50 she can also purchase hot chocolate at recess.

Today – she was not given money for pizza and hot chocolate at school because she is in trouble for having lied to me. Trying to find a punishment that suits the crime and also has an impact can be … tough. Not because I am not creative – but because I am not seeing the resulting desired behaviour.

Last week she handed me $5 and said that her teacher refunded money for the pre-ordered DVD's of the school’s Winter concert. My daughter had a main part – and we wanted to have a copy of it. Unfortunately they forgot to turn on the camera – so there was only 1/3^rd of the concert recorded. People were offered a refund. I had ordered 2 copies, and decided to get a refund for one of them. I said to her that I paid $6.50 and where was the rest of my change. She swore up and down that that was all the teacher gave her.

I questioned her several times and she stuck to this story. I wrote a note to the teacher in her school agenda about it - and my daughter in turn did not show the teacher her agenda. This week when I still didn't see anything in her agenda from her teacher - I asked her about the whole thing again - and said that I wanted her to get her teachers signature so that I would know the teacher had read my note.

Long story short – she tearfully confessed that she spent the $1.50, after I put her to bed Wednesday night. Guess she figured she was going to get busted. Anyhow - I tried to not get mad - but to calmly make my point.

I am having trouble trusting the things she tells me - because at least every other day I catch her in a lie. While $1.50 of unreturned change is not all that big a deal, it’s the principle that bugs me. She has been having trouble with a particular girl in her after school program, and also is at a stage where she has a crush on a boy in her class and there has been a lot of note writing going on (a story for another time). When I ask her to tell me about what is going on – I know I am only getting her side of things – but I am not sure how truthful her side is. I know my daughter is no saint – and I take great pains to uncover all sides of a story before deciding whether action or opinion on my part is necessary.

In the end I told her she owed me $1.50 and that I wouldn't be giving her money for pizza this week because she had lied to me. She said she had a tooney that her Dad had given her and she paid me back with that. I told that was great but that there would still be no pizza money this week.

When I asked her what she had used the money for, She told me that she bought herself and 2 of her friends cupcakes at school. “Mom they begged me” to which I responded – well it was very generous of you to make the decision to buy them sweets with my money. I asked her why she didn't just ask me for money for cupcakes. I always give her money for stuff like that at school unless I don't have it - or unless she has been misbehaving.

This morning she was a bit miffed that I was sticking to my guns about no pizza money.

Then I asked her to please pick up her laundry and make her bed before school - she was ready for the day and her room just needed a quick tidy. She told me she had - but when I checked just prior to leaving - she hadn't and we were out of time. When she asked if she could bring her iPod with her (for the ride to her Dad’s after work and for the weekend) - and I said no - because she hadn't done as I asked her and on top of that she told me she had.

We had one homework issue this week - it seems she has had almost no homework since being back to school and I ask her every night. She tells me no - well on Wednesday I was in her room, and her bag was open - so I grabbed her agenda from her knapsack to sign and check - and sure enough there was 3 sheets of homework from the beginning of the week. She did it the next night - but the point was - she told me she didn't have any...

Last night when she had her shower - I asked her to start using up a bottle of shampoo - because I wanted to finish up what we have so I don't have a bunch of half bottles. She used 1/3 of a bottle (emptied it), or washed it down the drain - not sure which – just have an empty bottle. I am a little frustrated... as these are the kinds of things she seems to be doing lately. I try to pick my battles - but honestly she does try a person's patience. More than anything it's the lying I can't handle - I am starting to find I can't tell when she is telling the truth or lying to me - so if I am unsure - I find I am assuming she is lying.

I recognize that these things are not life threatening – but I am of the firm belief that you don’t wait until a kid robs a bank before you teach them that it’s wrong. I chose to teach her appropriate and respectful behaviour, life’s little lessons on the small things in the hopes that when faced with larger choices and decisions as she grows – she can think through what the right thing is to do.

I don’t know if this is completely normal age appropriate behaviour, or if it is unique to my relationship with her. I do know this – I won’t give up… I won’t take the easy route or turn a blind eye…. I may have to be more creative in my approach, and more restrained in my reactions so that she is very aware – that if “you do the crime… you’ll serve Mom’s time” and just hope that in the end it all turns out ok.

Happy Friday.