The Dreaded Countdown

Here I sit - pondering what feels like the next phase of my life - with a one week countdown. I hadn't thought about it until the phone rang earlier in the evening and it was my Dad asking me two things, well three actually:

1. Are you free on Saturday Jan.27
2. What do you want for dessert (I don't like cake)
3. What name are you going by legally?

You see - one week from today is my birthday.
There I have said it.
It's my birthday.

Not just any birthday.
Next Monday, January 22nd is my 35th. Wow - in print it looks even worse. You see - 30 was rough - because I expected to be in a totally different place. I was recently divorced, a single working parent, and my life looked nothing like what I expected. My job was ok. I was doing alright. But when I was younger, I expected by the age of 30 I'd really have my act together.

What did that mean? I thought I'd have a modestly nice home, be happily married, have a couple of children and be well on my way to a rewarding career. Of all of those things - I had achieved a smart, funny and beautiful daughter.

So here I sit 5 years later shocked and stunned to find that very little has changed. I have now been married and divorced... twice (ouch). I am still working at finding that rewarding relationship and career. But I will say this - my daughter is still by my side on this journey, she is supportive and loving, smart, funny and beautiful.... but well on her way to becoming a strong willed individual.

The thing I hate to admit - I never heard the clock ticking at 30. I felt an inner pressure to be somewhere else - but still felt upon reflection, that I had some time on my side. So why should 35 be so hard? Because I realize how much more I want to have in my life - and how much less I am willing to settle. I realize that while I work very hard at a number of things - I am still essentially in the same place. I have in the past five years - learned to laugh a little. To have fun a little. To be hard on myself a little more. To fear making more mistakes. To worry with each passing year - that I have a little less time to make a good impression on a young lady that is quickly approaching those teen years with every eye roll, and exasperated throwing up of her hands and storm out of the room.

I realize that I had always envisioned sharing my life with a partner. Raising my daughter with a partner that would love her as fiercely as I do. Perhaps having another child. To come home from work - full of that energy and excitement that makes me talk a mile a minute, to share some accomplishment of the day. To have a home, where friends and family alike were always welcomed. To be a strong woman, confident in her choices, enjoying all the emotions that come with a life well lived. To have my parents stop worrying that I come home with my daughter to an empty house, that I rely on myself for everything. To have a family that is proud of me.

If I live to be 70 - I am half way there. Holy shit - I am not ready yet. I haven't gotten where I want to be yet. I can't tell if I am afraid that things are slipping away, that I may have to re-evaluate the things I want for myself, or if I just have to get the lead out and work harder, faster, or more honestly towards the things that I want.

I spend so much time worrying about what people think. I worry about safeguarding my friends and family, sparing people's feelings, and not really going after some of what I want because I might let someone down. I don't know who that "someone" is - but in a sense, it's as if I am living my life for other people in an effort to make them proud, and not let them down. The bottom line is - I may be letting myself down... just a little.

I am sentimental. I am independant. I am very stubborn. I have a level of personal pride, that really bugs people around me because I so often refuse to ask for help. I never take the easy way out. I am fortunate to have the parents and family I was blessed with and they mean everything to me - because they helped me to become the person I am today, the parent I am today. My daughter. My daughter has also shaped the person I have become - but more than that the person I strive to be. She pushes and pulls in every direction challenging me to the very core (don't all children really). I have a big heart - but the truth of the matter is - very few people get close enough to know that, and those that are close enough to know - are often the ones on the receiving end of all the frustrations that have come before them.

So I have a week to determine what I will use my birthday wish for as I blow out the candles on my birthday pie (I really really don't like cake). Do I wish for a stronger forteitude, more patience, faith, love, hope? They are all pretty big wishes... or do I just wish to find myself content... exactly where I am. Truth is - I really don't know yet.... but I have 7 days to figure it out.