Thanks to my Parents - I'm not a complete Mess

I am so lucky. Yes – with everything in my life – I am truly blessed.

I have a leg up on so many single mother’s out there because I am the product of a family that genuinely cares for one another, respects one another, and am one of four children that had the good fortune to be blessed with great parents. My parents may not be perfect – but they are perfect for us. They raised us with intuition, common sense, and lots of love and always support.

I have been questioning lately whether I am truly a good parent. Beyond providing the necessities of life, I struggle to play all the roles on my own; the breadwinner, the mother, the caretaker, the cooker, the cleaner, etc. etc. I made a great many decisions in my life that while may not follow my traditional upbringing and for the most part I do not regret them. When I decided to go it alone – one of the reasons was because I felt if my focus was on raising my daughter rather than being in a relationship that was unhealthy for me, I could truly be a better parent and a positive role model for my daughter about what she could expect from herself in her own life.

From some of my previous posts – I am sure it is evident that I am struggling with the parental category. I am aware that I have a very wonderful daughter. She is smart and funny – for example, we were talking last night and she was saying one of her favourite kinds of days at school (today is crazy hair day) is pyjama day. She says to me

“Mom you should totally have a pyjama day at work.”

To which I replied “Uh yeah – I’m pretty sure my boss won’t go for that”

“Let me talk to him. Come on – I’m his paper shredder, I may not be big, but I help him get HIS job done.”

She had a couple of other good one liners as well – which unfortunately are escaping me now.

In any case – I had written a lengthy email to my parents crabbing about the state of things in my life and how I have been feeling overwhelmed. Actually I wrote the letter to my Mom and it was, surprisingly, my Dad that responded.

Here is an excerpt

I'm sorry that this is going to be a little briefer than I would like it to be but I do not have as much time right now as I would like to really answer your letter. I am also sorry that it is going to be fatherly advice, not motherly that you will be getting. Also, from all my years in counselling I know that the last thing anyone needs is advice. Usually when a person is feeling over-whelmed, advice just sounds like information from someone who doesn't really understand. What you probably need is a chance to sort out all that is overwhelming you.

From my experience, a child who is a product of divorce, regardless of the situation, is most concerned about security. And words do not mean much to them, they are constantly seeking the actions that indicate that things are stable in their world. Your impending move may be affecting her much more than any of us know. This is only a guess, I really don't know. As a result she is going to do everything she can to get your attention - be it negative or positive. Doing things that she knows she shouldn't or agreeing with everything you say. I'm not in the least saying that your move is not a good thing, I am only saying that the idea is upsetting her in a way that she doesn't even understand or might be unable to verbalize. Than again it could be something totally different like her grandma coming home from the hospital and requiring so much more attention. Whatever the reason is, (it could simply be that she senses your own conflicts that you are dealing with and feels the loss of closeness that you often normally share),it is not important in dealing with her. What is important is that you stay as calm and patient as you possibly can (and I know that is a big order for even a superhuman person.)

I am sure that all of the above probably doesn't help you very much right now. When you hit periods where your life feels like a big piece of ****, and all of us do, then it is time to give yourself a bit of a break, put everything aside, take your daughter and go for a long walk, go window shopping, spend some time daydreaming together, take a few moments to list the five most important things in your lives and compare lists, etc. Anything to focus on a few positives. Remember she will not always be a little dependent girl and you won't be spending the rest of your life in a job that right now you are not too crazy about.

Take care, and we will see you tomorrow. I do have a meeting at 7:00 p.m. but hopefully will see you before that.

Remember Mom and I love you very much.

Love, Dad

I have left a portion of his reply out of this – as it pertains to some other – non post related items. But you know – his advice was sound, and SO OBVIOUS. Of course all she wants is to feel secure and I better than anyone should know this. Her Dad’s mom has a stroke early in December and has been hospitalized ever since with only the occasional day pass. My daughter has been helpful with her grandmother, doing and assisting with small tasks to ease her difficulties.

So I did what my Dad said. I told my daughter if she got her homework done (correctly not quickly) by 5:30 last night (giving her 40 minutes) and made few errors – I would take her downtown for a walk. She got right to work with no issues. I had given her a little snack and at 5:20 we bundled up and went out for an hour long walk.

I was amazed that if I just listened, she had a lot to tell me. About school, a boy that teases her (that she kind of likes), conversations with her teacher about what she can do to improve her math mark, funny one liners. We had a good time – peering in windows, admiring the many displays. She talked about a time capsule she is making and about various memories she has that are being recorded and put inside. Many of the things she spoke of I had long forgotten or never realized they played any role of importance in her life at all. Because I wasn’t distracted from preparing dinner, or checking email, or trying to grocery shop, do laundry, pack or otherwise – I was able to really listen to her and she felt like she had my undivided attention.

I had a wonderful evening with my daughter, where she was well behaved, well mannered, did as she was asked, and went to bed without any fuss. And she was Happy. This is of course what I truly want – I want her to be happy and well adjusted, and I want to feel like we have a good relationship.

Thanks Dad for some encouraging and helpful advice. You say that a person never really feels like they are where they want to be no matter what there age and all we can do is our best. Your advice helped me to have a good evening with my daughter and that means everything to me.

It is as a result of your constant love and support that I manage to keep putting one foot in front of the other - and won't accept the idea of giving up....