Thanks to my Parents - I'm not a complete Mess

I am so lucky. Yes – with everything in my life – I am truly blessed.

I have a leg up on so many single mother’s out there because I am the product of a family that genuinely cares for one another, respects one another, and am one of four children that had the good fortune to be blessed with great parents. My parents may not be perfect – but they are perfect for us. They raised us with intuition, common sense, and lots of love and always support.

I have been questioning lately whether I am truly a good parent. Beyond providing the necessities of life, I struggle to play all the roles on my own; the breadwinner, the mother, the caretaker, the cooker, the cleaner, etc. etc. I made a great many decisions in my life that while may not follow my traditional upbringing and for the most part I do not regret them. When I decided to go it alone – one of the reasons was because I felt if my focus was on raising my daughter rather than being in a relationship that was unhealthy for me, I could truly be a better parent and a positive role model for my daughter about what she could expect from herself in her own life.

From some of my previous posts – I am sure it is evident that I am struggling with the parental category. I am aware that I have a very wonderful daughter. She is smart and funny – for example, we were talking last night and she was saying one of her favourite kinds of days at school (today is crazy hair day) is pyjama day. She says to me

“Mom you should totally have a pyjama day at work.”

To which I replied “Uh yeah – I’m pretty sure my boss won’t go for that”

“Let me talk to him. Come on – I’m his paper shredder, I may not be big, but I help him get HIS job done.”

She had a couple of other good one liners as well – which unfortunately are escaping me now.

In any case – I had written a lengthy email to my parents crabbing about the state of things in my life and how I have been feeling overwhelmed. Actually I wrote the letter to my Mom and it was, surprisingly, my Dad that responded.

Here is an excerpt

I'm sorry that this is going to be a little briefer than I would like it to be but I do not have as much time right now as I would like to really answer your letter. I am also sorry that it is going to be fatherly advice, not motherly that you will be getting. Also, from all my years in counselling I know that the last thing anyone needs is advice. Usually when a person is feeling over-whelmed, advice just sounds like information from someone who doesn't really understand. What you probably need is a chance to sort out all that is overwhelming you.

From my experience, a child who is a product of divorce, regardless of the situation, is most concerned about security. And words do not mean much to them, they are constantly seeking the actions that indicate that things are stable in their world. Your impending move may be affecting her much more than any of us know. This is only a guess, I really don't know. As a result she is going to do everything she can to get your attention - be it negative or positive. Doing things that she knows she shouldn't or agreeing with everything you say. I'm not in the least saying that your move is not a good thing, I am only saying that the idea is upsetting her in a way that she doesn't even understand or might be unable to verbalize. Than again it could be something totally different like her grandma coming home from the hospital and requiring so much more attention. Whatever the reason is, (it could simply be that she senses your own conflicts that you are dealing with and feels the loss of closeness that you often normally share),it is not important in dealing with her. What is important is that you stay as calm and patient as you possibly can (and I know that is a big order for even a superhuman person.)

I am sure that all of the above probably doesn't help you very much right now. When you hit periods where your life feels like a big piece of ****, and all of us do, then it is time to give yourself a bit of a break, put everything aside, take your daughter and go for a long walk, go window shopping, spend some time daydreaming together, take a few moments to list the five most important things in your lives and compare lists, etc. Anything to focus on a few positives. Remember she will not always be a little dependent girl and you won't be spending the rest of your life in a job that right now you are not too crazy about.

Take care, and we will see you tomorrow. I do have a meeting at 7:00 p.m. but hopefully will see you before that.

Remember Mom and I love you very much.

Love, Dad

I have left a portion of his reply out of this – as it pertains to some other – non post related items. But you know – his advice was sound, and SO OBVIOUS. Of course all she wants is to feel secure and I better than anyone should know this. Her Dad’s mom has a stroke early in December and has been hospitalized ever since with only the occasional day pass. My daughter has been helpful with her grandmother, doing and assisting with small tasks to ease her difficulties.

So I did what my Dad said. I told my daughter if she got her homework done (correctly not quickly) by 5:30 last night (giving her 40 minutes) and made few errors – I would take her downtown for a walk. She got right to work with no issues. I had given her a little snack and at 5:20 we bundled up and went out for an hour long walk.

I was amazed that if I just listened, she had a lot to tell me. About school, a boy that teases her (that she kind of likes), conversations with her teacher about what she can do to improve her math mark, funny one liners. We had a good time – peering in windows, admiring the many displays. She talked about a time capsule she is making and about various memories she has that are being recorded and put inside. Many of the things she spoke of I had long forgotten or never realized they played any role of importance in her life at all. Because I wasn’t distracted from preparing dinner, or checking email, or trying to grocery shop, do laundry, pack or otherwise – I was able to really listen to her and she felt like she had my undivided attention.

I had a wonderful evening with my daughter, where she was well behaved, well mannered, did as she was asked, and went to bed without any fuss. And she was Happy. This is of course what I truly want – I want her to be happy and well adjusted, and I want to feel like we have a good relationship.

Thanks Dad for some encouraging and helpful advice. You say that a person never really feels like they are where they want to be no matter what there age and all we can do is our best. Your advice helped me to have a good evening with my daughter and that means everything to me.

It is as a result of your constant love and support that I manage to keep putting one foot in front of the other - and won't accept the idea of giving up....

Best Advice

breath.... just breath.

You Know it’s time for a change…

When on Monday mornings, you awake with an overwhelming sense of dread, and 5 excuses for not dragging your butt out of bed to get ready for work.

When the act of climbing the stairs at the office to make your way to your desk – leaves you feeling winded, full of dread, and a heaviness that feels overwhelming.

When you turn on your computer and wonder how much time you can kill before you actually have to admit that the next 8.5 hours are going to be filled with an overwhelming monotony the likes of which make you want to stab your eyeballs out with a fork.

When everything makes you feel like you want to crawl under your desk and curl up in the fetal position and just cry.

When you know you have 4 more days that will be exactly like today before it’s Friday and you can have a couple of days break.

When you feel like you life is passing you by and it’s only the little things that keep you going – an encouraging word from a friend, a joke, the peanut butter and crackers in the bottom of your desk drawer that you keep betting yourself you can keep from eating if you actually want to lose 5lbs and not succumb to bad eating habits as a way to feel a small ounce of joy.

When you hear the boss approaching to tell you about some other gadget that has been installed on the fax machine and you realize that all the while he is talking you are mortified to find that you have actually tuned him out and have no idea what he just said.

When you discover you have turned 35 and you hate almost every aspect of your life and you thought you were going to be so much more…..

Then you realize, you have a daughter that counts on you and you can’t give in to the self pity and if you don’t keep working you will never be able to be independent and responsible for putting the roof over your head and hers… and

so you

Just

Keep

Going

No matter how crappy it all seems.

Peculiar things that kid do – why?

This morning when I was in the bathroom scrambling to get ready for work, in my usual “I’m late, I’m late!!!!” style, I notices 3 pink streaks on the wall behind the sink.

I knew I hadn’t put them there – so of course I call my daughter into the bathroom to ask her what they were. Her first response was to guiltily look at me and shrug her shoulders and say “I dunno?” Of course – never being content to except an obvious omission of truth – I asked again. I told her I couldn’t get it off if I didn’t know what it was. I asked that she just tell me the truth. She said “well it might be blood”, and of course the puzzled expression on my face must have said it all but I asked anyway “from what?”

Well my teeth were bleeding when I brushed my teeth for bed last night. So of course, I bite, “Well how did the blood get on the wall?”

The next part is the part I just struggle to get my head around. She motions with hand gestures that she put her finger in her mouth – and then wiped the blood off on the wall.

I tried very hard to not lose it. “Did it not occur to you to wash it off in the sink, or grab some Kleenex to wipe your finger on?”

Again – the shoulder shrug. I couldn’t help myself “You are almost 10 years old – this is something that I would expect from a 2 year old – you have to think things through”.

My friends opinion – she’s a creative kid…. It’s art….

Uh – yeah, not on MY bathroom wall!

Happy Monday.

Two more good lines....

We went for a walk tonight - and it was coooooooollld out there. Not the regular kind of cold - but the -10 degrees kind. We get home and my daughter goes into the bathroom and calls to me - "hey Mom, you know how normally when you sit down the seat feels super cold? Well it feels like someone has been sitting on it for a couple of hours". This describing the temperature of the toilet seat relative to the temperature of her butt.

The other one, or actually two - from the same guy on tv - who was in disagreement with his wife over the sale of the million dollar home.
"My wife and I have been together for a long time. As a matter of fact - if I'd killed her when we first met - I'd be done my parole by now."

The second line - again with regard to his wife, "She has a serious case of cranial rectal inversion", which I think is a fancy way of saying she has her head stuck up her ass. It shouldn't have been funny - but somehow - it made me laugh so hard I was choking....

Have a good one, and enjoy the precious few hours left before Monday morning comes.

Best Line of the Day

Yesterday my family got together to celebrate my younger brother's b-day (which was in December) and mine. We all sat down to a delicious and boisterous dinner of chicken and ribs. I recall part way through the meal asking my Mom, who was seated next to me, are we always this loud when we sit down for a meal. We are now getting up there in numbers 9 adults and 6 kids ranging in age from 9 months to 9 years.

In any case, we got through dinner and cleared away some of the dishes and it was time for dessert. In my family - my mom always asks us what we'd like for our birthday dessert. I am not a big cake fan - so I usually choose pie - and true to form I requested rhubarb pie. For the rest of the b-day cake fans and for my brother there was homemade chocolate cake.

So with much fanfare - out comes the chocolate cake with a single candle and we all sing happy birthday for my brother and he gets his 2 year old daughter on his lap to help blow out the candle, and we all laugh and clap.

Here it comes....

And then my Dad says "Tina! You didn't get to blow anything for your birthday."

I look at my sister-in law, and my oldest brother.... eyes wide open in shock - when all 3 of us start laughing our arses off. My oldest brother I am sure is laughing with mortification at the thought of his only sister even making the mental connection between her Dad's innocent words, and her own dirty mind... lol.

One week after my birthday, I blew out a single candle on my birthday pie, and realize now I was still laughing so hard at the joke - I forgot to make my birthday wish.

The Only thing to Fear... is Fear itself!

Sitting alone in the dark late on a Saturday night, I find myself restless. I have spent the better part of the day with my family, all of them, parents, brothers and sisters-in-law and neices and nephew, and my daughter. I feel some days like I don't quite fit. Like I am watching with envy from the outside as they live their lives, expand their families, and at the end of the day.. go home... together.

Not sure what I offer them in the way of anything, I hope that if anything, they see I have courage. Courage. I would like to believe that in me they see someone who while sometimes all too often choose the more difficult path, did so for the right reasons, and has managed to not screw things up too badly. I love my daughter. I love my family. I believe in the way I was raised, and in my morals and values, even if they are not entirely traditional - I think my family would still say - I have traditional desires and morals.

With my recent birthday - I have found this immense and overwhelming pressure - that frankly I resent. I resent the pressure of time passing all too quickly making me feel like I have to "hurry-up" if I want a chance to have the things I truly desire. For the first time in my life I have made a conscious decision to "slow down", not so much to smell the roses, but more a case of catching my breath. Slowing down to re-evaluate. Slowing down to see everything. Understanding where I have come from, what I want, and where I ultimately want to end up. This isn't all about a relationship. This is about a general discontent with my life. This is about wanting to be the best parent I can be, and realizing that I am quickly coming to a stage - where smoothing over a harsh word or an impatient thought - is no longer so easily undone. This is about wanting a greater satisfaction with where things sit in general, home, work, and life in general.

I have discovered something about myself that makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I
am
Afraid.

I am so very afraid of making mistakes and having to make things right. I am afraid of not learning from my past. I am afraid of dragging my past into the future. I am afraid of screwing up the one thing in my life that has given me the strength to strive for better things and for greater strength of character (my daughter). I am afraid somedays to just make choices. What really pisses me off - is I find I am choosing the "no choice" choice. Rather than to move forward and deal with the next task at hand - it is easier to give in to the exhaustion, and try to lose myself in something mindless (reading a book, cooking, eating, watching tv, surfing mindless entertainment blogs). What I am not doing... is I am not enjoying or "living" my life. I am merely sitting on the couch so to speak, moaning and watching the world pass me by, claiming that it all seems so unattainable.

All I have to do - to earn back a little spirit - is watch one night of American Idol auditions to realize - there really truly are people out there with far bigger problems than me.

I am trying to understand my fear in order to be able to move past it.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."
Dorothy Thompson

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."
Henry James

"Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it."

"In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

This too will change, like all other things and events in my life before this, this too will change.

Goodnight.

Advice for my Daughter

Girls are like

apples on trees. The best

ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

Where is the manual? I didn’t get my manual? Excuse me – IS ANYONE LISTENING????

My daughter seems to be quickly approaching the pre-teen (tween?) stage of her life and something tells me it’s time to fasten the seatbelt honey – cause you’re going for a ride!!

I want to start by saying something positive…. So that it won’t sound like all I do is complain, complain, complain. My daughter is a lovely, warm hearted, creative, polite fun loving little girl.

She also …is a liar.

Ok – that was a bit harsh – and I keep telling myself that perhaps it’s a stage, perhaps it is a defence mechanism (because her mother is going to give her an earful), or perhaps she senses she has done something wrong, or is trying to avoid something… and that’s why she does it.

On Friday’s at her school – it’s pizza day. For a $1.50 she can purchase a slice of pizza, and now for an additional $0.50 she can also purchase hot chocolate at recess.

Today – she was not given money for pizza and hot chocolate at school because she is in trouble for having lied to me. Trying to find a punishment that suits the crime and also has an impact can be … tough. Not because I am not creative – but because I am not seeing the resulting desired behaviour.

Last week she handed me $5 and said that her teacher refunded money for the pre-ordered DVD's of the school’s Winter concert. My daughter had a main part – and we wanted to have a copy of it. Unfortunately they forgot to turn on the camera – so there was only 1/3^rd of the concert recorded. People were offered a refund. I had ordered 2 copies, and decided to get a refund for one of them. I said to her that I paid $6.50 and where was the rest of my change. She swore up and down that that was all the teacher gave her.

I questioned her several times and she stuck to this story. I wrote a note to the teacher in her school agenda about it - and my daughter in turn did not show the teacher her agenda. This week when I still didn't see anything in her agenda from her teacher - I asked her about the whole thing again - and said that I wanted her to get her teachers signature so that I would know the teacher had read my note.

Long story short – she tearfully confessed that she spent the $1.50, after I put her to bed Wednesday night. Guess she figured she was going to get busted. Anyhow - I tried to not get mad - but to calmly make my point.

I am having trouble trusting the things she tells me - because at least every other day I catch her in a lie. While $1.50 of unreturned change is not all that big a deal, it’s the principle that bugs me. She has been having trouble with a particular girl in her after school program, and also is at a stage where she has a crush on a boy in her class and there has been a lot of note writing going on (a story for another time). When I ask her to tell me about what is going on – I know I am only getting her side of things – but I am not sure how truthful her side is. I know my daughter is no saint – and I take great pains to uncover all sides of a story before deciding whether action or opinion on my part is necessary.

In the end I told her she owed me $1.50 and that I wouldn't be giving her money for pizza this week because she had lied to me. She said she had a tooney that her Dad had given her and she paid me back with that. I told that was great but that there would still be no pizza money this week.

When I asked her what she had used the money for, She told me that she bought herself and 2 of her friends cupcakes at school. “Mom they begged me” to which I responded – well it was very generous of you to make the decision to buy them sweets with my money. I asked her why she didn't just ask me for money for cupcakes. I always give her money for stuff like that at school unless I don't have it - or unless she has been misbehaving.

This morning she was a bit miffed that I was sticking to my guns about no pizza money.

Then I asked her to please pick up her laundry and make her bed before school - she was ready for the day and her room just needed a quick tidy. She told me she had - but when I checked just prior to leaving - she hadn't and we were out of time. When she asked if she could bring her iPod with her (for the ride to her Dad’s after work and for the weekend) - and I said no - because she hadn't done as I asked her and on top of that she told me she had.

We had one homework issue this week - it seems she has had almost no homework since being back to school and I ask her every night. She tells me no - well on Wednesday I was in her room, and her bag was open - so I grabbed her agenda from her knapsack to sign and check - and sure enough there was 3 sheets of homework from the beginning of the week. She did it the next night - but the point was - she told me she didn't have any...

Last night when she had her shower - I asked her to start using up a bottle of shampoo - because I wanted to finish up what we have so I don't have a bunch of half bottles. She used 1/3 of a bottle (emptied it), or washed it down the drain - not sure which – just have an empty bottle. I am a little frustrated... as these are the kinds of things she seems to be doing lately. I try to pick my battles - but honestly she does try a person's patience. More than anything it's the lying I can't handle - I am starting to find I can't tell when she is telling the truth or lying to me - so if I am unsure - I find I am assuming she is lying.

I recognize that these things are not life threatening – but I am of the firm belief that you don’t wait until a kid robs a bank before you teach them that it’s wrong. I chose to teach her appropriate and respectful behaviour, life’s little lessons on the small things in the hopes that when faced with larger choices and decisions as she grows – she can think through what the right thing is to do.

I don’t know if this is completely normal age appropriate behaviour, or if it is unique to my relationship with her. I do know this – I won’t give up… I won’t take the easy route or turn a blind eye…. I may have to be more creative in my approach, and more restrained in my reactions so that she is very aware – that if “you do the crime… you’ll serve Mom’s time” and just hope that in the end it all turns out ok.

Happy Friday.

Babyproofing your Marriage

Ok - before you freak... I am neither pregnant - or married.... I promise... but this still looks like a hell of a useful book.... for someone.

http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

Chapter One

How Did We Get Here?

Parenthood Changes Everything

"I expected to add diaper, pacifier, formula to my new motherhood vocabulary—I didn’t think f*!k and s#*t would feature so prominently!"
—Lisa, married 5 years, 1 kid

"What I get from other women is what I need, and that is help. I don't even have to ask other women for help, they just volunteer. What do I get from my husband? I get a sink full of dirty plates, a pile of dirty clothes on the stairs, and a child dressed for church in a football jersey."
—Katherine, married 8 years, 2 kids

"My wife doesn't understand how important sex is to me. Everywhere I go, sex is screaming at me. There are hot women in advertisements on billboards, and before I know it I find myself imagining Gina down in Accounts Payable wearing a nurse's outfit."
—Thomas, married 11 years, 1 kid

We are three women who love our children. We love our husbands, and they love us. Why on earth did we find ourselves so often at odds after the babies came home? Our pre-baby marriages were really good, maybe even great. So why weren't we talking the way we used to? Why were we bickering? Why were we so infuriated at our husbands' inability to find the sippy cups? Why were our husbands distraught that our enthusiasm for sex had dwindled to "folding the laundry" levels? Were we normal? Or was something seriously wrong?

Turns out we were totally, utterly (even slightly boringly) normal.

We figured this out because we started talking; first to each other, then to a handful of friends, and then, well, things got out of hand and we started writing a book about it. At that point, no one was safe. We accosted total strangers in checkout lines and captive fellow passengers on airplanes. We talked to legions of women who, just like us, dreaded their husbands' Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap. They wondered what had happened to That Whole 50:50 Thing and why the lion's share of the domestic crap was falling on their plates. We talked to countless men and learned that, like our husbands, they despaired that their wives had pulled a Bait and Switch in the bedroom. They complained that no matter what they did to help with the kids, the house, and the bank balance, It Was Never Enough.

Through all the talking, it became clear that most couples, no matter how happy and secure their marriage may be, find the early parenting years a challenge (on a good day) or even seriously relationship-threatening (on a bad day).

In fact, if you read the latest studies, you'd think we have a national epidemic of miserable parents on our hands. A well-publicized 1994 Penn State study said that, "two-thirds of married couples report a decline in their marital relationship upon the birth of their children."¹ Ten years later, things hadn't improved at all. An August 2005 report from the University of Washington found the same thing.² Most recently, a December 2005 study of 13,000 people published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior said parents reported being more miserable ("sad, distracted or depressed") than non-parents.³

How did so many of us wind up here? And, more importantly, can we do anything to avoid spending the next fifty years of our lives here? Parenthood changes us, and our lives, so profoundly. It changes how we view ourselves and each other; what we need from and are able to put into our marriages. This book is about understanding these changes and how we react to them. At its heart, it's about keeping marriages on an even keel after the baby bomb arrives. It's about the simple things we can do to stay connected as a couple after we have kids.

So, What Is Going On?

During our intrepid journey of marital discovery we learned—much to our relief—that many of the bumps couples might encounter along the way just can't be helped. The emotional, psychological, and lifestyle upheavals that accompany parenthood are unavoidable. They're nobody's fault. We're not necessarily doing anything wrong.

Topping the list of things we just can't help is our DNA, or as we three aspiring evolutionary biologists like to call it, Hardwiring. It took having kids for us to realize that men and women are completely different animals and, as a result, we respond to parenthood in drastically different ways. Our genetically-programmed instincts are at the root of many of our modern-day frustrations. They affect our post-baby sex lives, how we parent, and our relationships with our families, often in ways we're not conscious of. Secondly, there's the inconvenient matter of planetary rotation. Our sixteen waking hours are not enough to do everything we have to do, much less anything we wantDeer in the Headlights. We're basically clueless about how parenthood will make us feel. An iron curtain of secrecy hides the reality. No one, not even our own parents, will tell it like it is. (Remember those cryptic comments you heard before you had kids: "Don't have a baby until you're ready to give up your life"? To which you responded, "Huh?") This Global Conspiracy of Silence means that most of us are ill-equipped to deal with the sea of change that a baby brings. No one prepares us for the Parenthood Ass-Kicking Party. to do. And finally, it doesn't help that most of us are

To some extent, we new parents are at the mercy of millions of years of evolutionary biology, the twenty-four-hour day and pure ignorance. These three factors set the stage for the various post-baby disconnects we'll describe in this book. Add in the facts that (a) we aren't very nice when we're tired and (b) we think we can get our lives back to the way they were before kids, and we can find ourselves facing some serious marital struggles. No matter how . . .

The foregoing is excerpted from Babyproofing Your Marriage by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from HarperCollins Publishers, 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022

Back in the Day Cafe - has the power to transport

This song - in an instant had the ability to transport me back to the halls of Grimsby Secondary School, Spring Formal - Theme "Under the Sea" with CFNY. Holy crap.... makes me also feel old cause that was about 18 years ago HOLY CRAP - 18 YEARS AGO!!!!!

Cheers to a blast from the past (and the Back in the Day Cafe) - the days of Molly Ringwald, and the Breakfast Club, tragic love lifes, your guy dancing with your best girlfriend, girls crying in the putrid green girls bathroom thinking their life is over all because.... well does it really matter why anymore?

Lyrics to franky goes to hollywood power of love

I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door   
Feels like fire
I'm so in love with you
Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay-bad at bay
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away-yeah   
I'm so in love with you
Purge the soul
Make love your goal  

*The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul

Make love your goal

I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door
When the chips are down I'll be around
With my undying, death-defying
Love for you   
Envy will hurt itself
Let yourself be beautiful
Sparkling love, flowers
And pearls and pretty girls
Love is like an energy
Rushin' rushin' inside of me  

*(Repeat)

This time we go sublime
Lovers entwine-divine divine
Love is danger, love is pleasure
Love is pure-the only treasure   
I'm so in love with you
Purge the soul
Make love your goal   
The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
The power of love
A force from above
A sky-scraping dove   
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal   
I'll protect you from the hooded claw 

Some things to Think about

You can take from every experience what it has to offer you. And you cannot be defeated if you just keep taking one breath followed by another.
Oprah Winfrey

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.
Carl Sandburg

It is a bad day indeed when the people you call your friends abandon you because they have grown to care too much
-Unknown (except to me)

In silence man can most readily preserve his integrity.
Meister Eckhart

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
W. H. Auden

The future will be better tomorrow.
Dan Quayle

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.

Vernon Sanders Law

Words of Wisdom

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself…. There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. [Unknown]

Quote

"Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

Men in Trees

"How much baggage do you have to get rid of... before you can move on?"
~ Marin Frist on Rummage Sales

Why you Don't Take him shopping....

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

One day Mrs Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3' in house wares . . . and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

a few of my favourite things

in no particular order

• nice bedding and soft blankets
• my daughter's drawings
• the smell of a clean baby
• the ocean
• a great found treasured object
• nostalgia
  
• fresh scents
• making a new recipe and having it turn out perfectly
• the sound fall leaves make when you walk through them
  
• a massage (with no strings attached)
• flip flops
• an honest to goodness romantic love letter
• drawstring pyjamma bottoms
  
• simple silver jewellery
  
• Jane Chocolate lipstick (which sadly has been discontinued - it smelled and tasted like heaven and the colour - was perfect)
• open spaces with grass and trees - really big trees
  
• the way a tree's leaves look when a wind blows really hard through them, and the accompanying sound
  
• a night out with friend(s) where you laugh until it hurts
• a well put together outfit
• really kick-ass shoes (to go with an outfit - that had to be purchased to go with shoes)
• Fresh flowers (no red roses or or fake multi coloured carnations please)
• the smell of coconut suntan lotion (always reminds me of vacation)
• my daughter's smile - the one where her dimple shows
  
• those huge snow flakes that fall gently from the sky that look like they are in no hurry to get anywhere
  
• clutter free
• slow dancing with the perfect partner
• the smell of a woodstove on a crisp cold day
  
• dragon-flys
• my MAIDEN NAME
• real surprises (I am very hard to surprise because of my intuitive nature)
• a good chick-flick
• my daughter's eyes when she is excited
  
• the look of earth toned slate tiles
• Sangria
  
• a great book - the kind you can't put down
• music
• lilacs and lily of the valley (reminds me of home)
• rhubarb pie
• candlelight
  
• the prospect of travelling to a new place - one day
• fresh cherries
  
• my bowl of polished river rocks
• my dark chocolate brown, perfect leather chairs
• my birth stone (garnet)
  
• new beginnings

Horoscope - Daily Extended Forecast for January 16, 2007

If you feel as though you're being held back in some way, don't add external forces to your list of possible causes. Other people aren't affecting your life as much as you might think. Don't lose sight of your own power over your mood -- and your destiny. At work, authority figures have nothing to do with this stuck-in-the-mud feeling you have. And if a relationship seems stalled, admit to yourself that it was perhaps never meant to be.

The Dreaded Countdown

Here I sit - pondering what feels like the next phase of my life - with a one week countdown. I hadn't thought about it until the phone rang earlier in the evening and it was my Dad asking me two things, well three actually:

1. Are you free on Saturday Jan.27
2. What do you want for dessert (I don't like cake)
3. What name are you going by legally?

You see - one week from today is my birthday.
There I have said it.
It's my birthday.

Not just any birthday.
Next Monday, January 22nd is my 35th. Wow - in print it looks even worse. You see - 30 was rough - because I expected to be in a totally different place. I was recently divorced, a single working parent, and my life looked nothing like what I expected. My job was ok. I was doing alright. But when I was younger, I expected by the age of 30 I'd really have my act together.

What did that mean? I thought I'd have a modestly nice home, be happily married, have a couple of children and be well on my way to a rewarding career. Of all of those things - I had achieved a smart, funny and beautiful daughter.

So here I sit 5 years later shocked and stunned to find that very little has changed. I have now been married and divorced... twice (ouch). I am still working at finding that rewarding relationship and career. But I will say this - my daughter is still by my side on this journey, she is supportive and loving, smart, funny and beautiful.... but well on her way to becoming a strong willed individual.

The thing I hate to admit - I never heard the clock ticking at 30. I felt an inner pressure to be somewhere else - but still felt upon reflection, that I had some time on my side. So why should 35 be so hard? Because I realize how much more I want to have in my life - and how much less I am willing to settle. I realize that while I work very hard at a number of things - I am still essentially in the same place. I have in the past five years - learned to laugh a little. To have fun a little. To be hard on myself a little more. To fear making more mistakes. To worry with each passing year - that I have a little less time to make a good impression on a young lady that is quickly approaching those teen years with every eye roll, and exasperated throwing up of her hands and storm out of the room.

I realize that I had always envisioned sharing my life with a partner. Raising my daughter with a partner that would love her as fiercely as I do. Perhaps having another child. To come home from work - full of that energy and excitement that makes me talk a mile a minute, to share some accomplishment of the day. To have a home, where friends and family alike were always welcomed. To be a strong woman, confident in her choices, enjoying all the emotions that come with a life well lived. To have my parents stop worrying that I come home with my daughter to an empty house, that I rely on myself for everything. To have a family that is proud of me.

If I live to be 70 - I am half way there. Holy shit - I am not ready yet. I haven't gotten where I want to be yet. I can't tell if I am afraid that things are slipping away, that I may have to re-evaluate the things I want for myself, or if I just have to get the lead out and work harder, faster, or more honestly towards the things that I want.

I spend so much time worrying about what people think. I worry about safeguarding my friends and family, sparing people's feelings, and not really going after some of what I want because I might let someone down. I don't know who that "someone" is - but in a sense, it's as if I am living my life for other people in an effort to make them proud, and not let them down. The bottom line is - I may be letting myself down... just a little.

I am sentimental. I am independant. I am very stubborn. I have a level of personal pride, that really bugs people around me because I so often refuse to ask for help. I never take the easy way out. I am fortunate to have the parents and family I was blessed with and they mean everything to me - because they helped me to become the person I am today, the parent I am today. My daughter. My daughter has also shaped the person I have become - but more than that the person I strive to be. She pushes and pulls in every direction challenging me to the very core (don't all children really). I have a big heart - but the truth of the matter is - very few people get close enough to know that, and those that are close enough to know - are often the ones on the receiving end of all the frustrations that have come before them.

So I have a week to determine what I will use my birthday wish for as I blow out the candles on my birthday pie (I really really don't like cake). Do I wish for a stronger forteitude, more patience, faith, love, hope? They are all pretty big wishes... or do I just wish to find myself content... exactly where I am. Truth is - I really don't know yet.... but I have 7 days to figure it out.

It's Snowing!!!

It's Snowing..... and while that might not seem like a big deal - but it's January 14th, 2007 and this is the first snow of any consequence we have had all winter - which is very out of the ordinary. Temperatures have been unseasonably warm - and the snow we normally have seen by mid November has been nary a flake in site. It's Sunday - and it's noon, and I am just about ready to do something with the day. Groceries, laundry, cooking dinner, puttering about, maybe just taking it easy - perhaps a walk downtown to browse in the store window's, perhaps splurge on a hot cup of tea... I'd like to enjoy the day rather than chore my way through it Wow - I didn't think I'd miss the snow but there is something about watching it fall from the sky that makes me want to slow down to a Sunday pace and enjoy it's beauty..

How do you get a kid to eat lunch?

No seriously - how do you? I have never had a problem eater on my hands until lately. Today for the first time in a while - I packed my daughter's lunch - usually she packs it at night before going to bed. The choices for lunch are the same whether she or I is the one to make it. One sandwhich, a piece of fruit, a veggie (like carrots, sliced cucumber or cherry tomatoes), or a fruit cup, and one treat (cookies, or something else) she gets milk at school and occaisionally brings a juice box.

So my daughter says to me when we get home, what's for supper I'm starving, and I said supper will be in an hour or so - to which she starts to whine. I asked her how was her lunch - and she says fine. I go into her bedroom to take the lunch bag (which feels suspiciously heavy) into the kitchen - and before openeing it I said - what did you have (a test to see if she ate her lunch) to which she rhymes off what I made - which is not the same as what she ate. Her entire ham and cheese sandwhich, the apple, the fruit cup are all still untouched. The cookies and juice box however have been eaten. No wonder she is hungry.

Now if this was a one time occurance - it wouldnt' be so bad - but the fact is - lately her eating habits have left a little to be desired. She used to be a really good eater - and healthy eater too. But now - she is getting more and more picky. I worry a little because she is a girl - and makes comments occaisionally about her weight - which is perfectly healthy. That is to say - she is a perfectly healthy and age appropriate weight - there are no concerns there.

Over Christmas, I cleaned out her bedroom - and discovered many remnants of half eaten lunches - which totally grossed me out - half eaten sandwhiches, apples, fruit, fruit cups, apple sauce etc. Why on earth is she not eating this stuff. I am not prepared to pack a lunch full of junk food - however I don't mind mixing it up a bit to make things more interesting. I let her pick things in the grocery store (within reason) that she'd like to have - provided that they are nutritious.... I hate to waste money by throwing away food - or just letting it go bad.

So now I guess I need to figure out what to do next. She didn't even take a bit out of the sandwhich - not even a nibble. What the heck's up with that... no wonder she is cranky.

I Don't mean to Brag but....

I seriously think I might be a pretty good cook - that is to say - when no one pesters me while I am in the kitchen, and if I have just one drink on the go - I can whip up some pretty tasty meals.... I must say!

Now I can't exactly prove it - but I can say this - I like good food - and we are always most critical of our own cooking - but lately - I think I've got my grove on.

Tonight it was hot and sour soup - very tasty - and perfect when you are nursing a little stuffed up head and cold. I made mine with chicken instead of tofu in the hopes that my daughter would try some - but when she saw me put in all those mushrooms - it was a no go..

On Sunday - I made one of my childhood favourits... German meatballs (from scratch) potatoes and white gravy - with veggies on the side.... and it was.... I'd say... pretty damn good!

I think between these latest offerrings and the Christmas cookies (7 different kinds) that I baked this year - I might actually not be a bonefide knob in the kitchen - look at me go! (Now that's what I'm talking about!)

* Note: picture is not of my meatballs - mine looked way more appetizing and brown....

Definition of a "Relationship

Interpersonal relationships are social associations, connections, or affiliations between two or more people. They vary in differing levels of intimacy and sharing, implying the discovery or establishment of common ground, and may be centered around something(s) shared in common. The study of relationships is of concern to sociology, psychology and anthropology.

Stages of formation

1) Contact:

a) Uncertainty reduction - through eye contact, identification, opening disclosure, etc.

b) Perceptual - notice how a person looks at the other and their body language.

c) Interactional cues - nodding, maintaining eye contact, etc.

d) Invitational - encouraging the relationship (e.g. asking if they want to meet up later for coffee)

e) Avoidance strategies - if one person discloses and the other does not, minimal response, lack of eye contact, etc.

2) Involvement

a) Feelers - hints or questions (ex. asking about family)

b) Intensifying strategies - further the relationship (ex. meeting old friend, bringing the other to meet family, becoming more affectionate, etc.)

c) Public - seen in public together often (ex. if in a romantic relationship, may be holding hands)

3) Intimacy -very close, may have exchanged some sort of personal belonging or something that represents further commitment. (ex. may be a promise ring in a romantic relationship or a friendship necklace symbolizing two people are best friends)

4) Deterioration - things start to fall apart. In a romantic relationship, typically after approximately six months, people are out of what is sometimes referred to as the "honeymoon stage", NRE, or limerance and start to notice flaws. The way this is dealt with determines the fate of the relationship.

Types of interpersonal relationships

• Kinship relationships, including family relationships, being related to someone else by blood (consanguinity), e.g. fatherhood, motherhood; or through marriage (affinity), e.g. father-in-law, mother-in-law, uncle by marriage, aunt by marriage.
• Formalized intimate relationships or long term relationships through law and public ceremony, e.g. marriage and civil union.
• Non-formalized intimate relationships or long term relationships such as loving relationships or romantic relationships with or without living together; the other person is often called lover, boyfriend or girlfriend (not to be confused with just a male or female friend), or significant other. If the partners live together, the relationship may be similar to marriage, and the other person may be called husband or wife. In Scottish law they are so regarded by common law after a time. Long term relationships in other countries are often erroneously called common law marriages, although they have no special status in law. Mistress is a somewhat old fashioned term for a female lover of a man who is married to another woman, or of an unmarried man. She may even be an official mistress (in French maîtresse en titre); an example is Madame de Pompadour.
• Soulmates, individuals who are intimately drawn to one another through a favorable meeting of the minds and who find mutual acceptance and understanding with one another. Soulmates may feel themselves bonded together for a lifetime; and, hence, they may be sexual partners but not necessarily.
• Casual relationships, relationships extending beyond one night stands that exclusively consist of sexual behavior, the participants of which may be known as friends with benefits when limited to considering sexual intercourse or sexual partners in a wider sense.
• Platonic love is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise.
• Friendship, which consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance, and usually implies the discovery or establishment of common ground between the individuals involved; see also internet friendship and pen pal.
• Brotherhood and sisterhood, individuals united in a common cause or having a common interest, which may involve formal membership in a club, organization, association, society, lodge, fraternity or sorority. This type of interpersonal relationship also includes the comradeship of fellow soldiers in peace or war.
• Partners or coworkers in a profession, business, or a common workplace.
• Participation in a community, for example, a community of interest or practice.
• Association, simply being introduced to someone or knowing who they are by interaction.

Factors

The discovery or establishment of common ground between individuals is a fundamental component for enduring interpersonal relationships. Loss of common ground, which may happen over time, may tend to end interpersonal relationships.

For each relationship type, essential skills are needed, and without these skills more advanced relationships are not possible. Systemic coaching advocates a hierarchy of relationships, from friendship to global order. Expertise in each relationship type (in this hierarchy) requires the skills of all previous relationship types. (For example partnership requires friendship and teamwork skills).

Interpersonal relationships through consanguinity and affinity can persist despite the absence of love, affection, or common ground. When these relationships are in prohibited degrees, sexual intimacy in them would be the taboo of incest.

Marriage and civil union are relationships reinforced and regularized by their legal sanction to be "respectable" building blocks of society. In the United States the de-criminalization of homosexual sexual relations in the landmark Supreme Court decision, Lawrence v. Texas (2003) facilitated the "mainstreaming" of gay long term relationships, and broached the possibility of the legalization of same-sex marriages in that country.

In intimate relationships there is often, but not always, an implicit or explicit agreement that the partners will not have sex with someone else - monogamy. The extent to which physical intimacy with other people is accepted may vary. For example, a husband may be more receptive to his wife being physically affectionate with her female friend if she has one, other than with her male friend (see also jealousy).

In friendship there is some transitivity: one may become a friend of an existing friend's friend. However, if two people have a sexual relationship with the same person, they may be competitors rather than friends. Accordingly, sexual behavior with the sexual partner of a friend may damage the friendship. See love triangle.

Sexual relations between two friends may alter that relationship by either "taking it to the next level" or severing it. Sexual partners may also be friends: the sexual relationship may either enhance or depreciate the friendship.

The rise of popular psychology has led to an explosion of concern about one's interpersonal relationships (often simply called: "relationships"). Intimate relationships receive particular attention in this context, but Sociology recognises many other interpersonal links of greater or less duration and/or significance.

Relationships are not necessarily healthy. Unhealthy examples include abusive relationships and codependence.

Sociologists recognize a hierarchy of forms of activity and interpersonal relations, which divides them into: behavior, action, social behavior, social action, social contact, social interaction and finally social relation.

Theories

• Social psychology has several approaches to the subject of interpersonal relationships, among them closure and also trust, as trust between parties can be mutual. This may lead to enduring relationships.

• Social exchange theory interprets relationships in terms of exchanged benefits. The way people feel about relationships will be influenced by the rewards of the relationship, as well as rewards they may potentially receive in alternate relationships.

• Systemic coaching analyzes relationships as expressions of our human need to love and be loved. Relationships can be confused by transferences, entanglements and substitution. Systemic coaching offers solutions for many relationship difficulties.

• Equity theory is based on criticism of social exchange theory. Proponents argue that people care more than just maximizing rewards, they also want fairness and equity in their relationships.

• Relational dialectics is based on the idea that a relationship is not a static entity. Instead, a relationship is a continuing process, always changing. There is constant tension as three main issues are negotiated: autonomy vs. connection, novelty vs. predictability, and openness vs. closedness.

• Attachment styles are a completely different way of analyzing relationships. Proponents of this view argue that attachment styles developed in childhood continue to be influential throughout adulthood, influencing the roles people take on in relationships.

• Socionics and some other theories of psychological compatibility consider interpersonal relationships as at least partly dependent on psychological types of partners.