The Only thing to Fear... is Fear itself!

Sitting alone in the dark late on a Saturday night, I find myself restless. I have spent the better part of the day with my family, all of them, parents, brothers and sisters-in-law and neices and nephew, and my daughter. I feel some days like I don't quite fit. Like I am watching with envy from the outside as they live their lives, expand their families, and at the end of the day.. go home... together.

Not sure what I offer them in the way of anything, I hope that if anything, they see I have courage. Courage. I would like to believe that in me they see someone who while sometimes all too often choose the more difficult path, did so for the right reasons, and has managed to not screw things up too badly. I love my daughter. I love my family. I believe in the way I was raised, and in my morals and values, even if they are not entirely traditional - I think my family would still say - I have traditional desires and morals.

With my recent birthday - I have found this immense and overwhelming pressure - that frankly I resent. I resent the pressure of time passing all too quickly making me feel like I have to "hurry-up" if I want a chance to have the things I truly desire. For the first time in my life I have made a conscious decision to "slow down", not so much to smell the roses, but more a case of catching my breath. Slowing down to re-evaluate. Slowing down to see everything. Understanding where I have come from, what I want, and where I ultimately want to end up. This isn't all about a relationship. This is about a general discontent with my life. This is about wanting to be the best parent I can be, and realizing that I am quickly coming to a stage - where smoothing over a harsh word or an impatient thought - is no longer so easily undone. This is about wanting a greater satisfaction with where things sit in general, home, work, and life in general.

I have discovered something about myself that makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I
am
Afraid.

I am so very afraid of making mistakes and having to make things right. I am afraid of not learning from my past. I am afraid of dragging my past into the future. I am afraid of screwing up the one thing in my life that has given me the strength to strive for better things and for greater strength of character (my daughter). I am afraid somedays to just make choices. What really pisses me off - is I find I am choosing the "no choice" choice. Rather than to move forward and deal with the next task at hand - it is easier to give in to the exhaustion, and try to lose myself in something mindless (reading a book, cooking, eating, watching tv, surfing mindless entertainment blogs). What I am not doing... is I am not enjoying or "living" my life. I am merely sitting on the couch so to speak, moaning and watching the world pass me by, claiming that it all seems so unattainable.

All I have to do - to earn back a little spirit - is watch one night of American Idol auditions to realize - there really truly are people out there with far bigger problems than me.

I am trying to understand my fear in order to be able to move past it.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."
Dorothy Thompson

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."
Henry James

"Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it."

"In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

This too will change, like all other things and events in my life before this, this too will change.

Goodnight.