"It takes not leaps, but tiny steps of faith sometimes to keep everything moving along..."

Why Do you Have to Be so Hard to Love

again with the music - sometimes a song hits you in the gut - like someone is speaking right to you.... this seems to sum up so many things I have heard... and put it again - right there in front of my face.... (close the damn closet door already...!!!)

Was it some man that didn't treat you right
Left you reaching out for him in the middle of the night
Is there some heartache that you can't out run
That makes you so afraid to get close to anyone

You're so - easy to look at
You're so easy to hold
It's so easy to touch you - but so hard to let go
It's so easy to want you - that I can't get enough

Tell me why do ya have to be
Why do ya have to be so hard to love

Is it some hurt from long ago
That makes it so hard to let your feelings show
Is it the ghost of who you used to be
That makes you so afraid to bear your soul to me

~B.A.

Christmas Photos (Family!!)

Wow - it's Finally Friday

and I'm hella tired!!!! After having a week off from work and not setting and alarm but simply getting up when I was awake -which was respectably between 8-8:30 am, I am now back to work. Or rather have been back to work for a week.

I got the bright idea that I would work early hours - extending the work-free afternoon portion of my day. I have been up at the ungodly hour of 6am everyday this week and let me tell you.... I don't like it!! I am not what you would call a morning person - and the idea of going through the whole, up, shower, blow dry, make-up, dress, grab stuff and head out the door (in under 30 min) while it is still dark... well - it's not for me.

But - today... it is finally... FRIDAY!! yeah!

I have now been at work for an hour (it's 8:00 am) and have my tea in hand and my belly is full (I treated myself to a breakfast sandwhich and a hashbrown this morning - along with a cold apple juice). Awaiting me on my desktop is the remainder of the month end invoices to input, and a proposal that needs to be finished for a new client... and yet - my mind isn't yet into work mode.

With my newly single status... not bragging - just pointing out the facts - I would say I have survived the first week of the new year - fairly well. However - I have to admit, this week has been out of my normal routine. My daughter has been spending the week with her Dad - which after a tough December (for all of us) has been a bit of a break for me. I haven't had to worry about anyone other than myself for dinner, bedtime or morning routine, etc. etc.

I believe my new found "optimistic spirit" and levels of "patience" will truly be put to the test upon her return. Back to the routine of things, the lunch making, homework doing, bath&bed routine. BUT.... I think I am prepared, to be the "New Year - New Mom".

I have once again (not that I haven't always been) re-committed to being the best Mom I can be. That isn't an easy thing to admit - because it implies I wasn't doing my best before. I was. But now I will approach it with less distraction. I want to re-inforce my relationship with my daughter before she hits those teenage years... which means instead of finding myself caught up in my own thoughts and worries - paying closer attention to hers. Actually spending the occaisional hour sitting at the table or on the floor colouring with her. Listening to what she has to say - not just nodding and making the occaisional listening noises, while worrying about other things.

I believe I am a good mom now - but that's not the point - I think I can do better - and that is something I want.... to do better. To see her smile and laugh more, rather than to listen to her ask me "is something wrong mom?... you look unhappy?"

What a ramble... so it's Friday - I will be seeing her this weekend (wow I have really really missed her!) Tonight - I have a hot date with a garbage bag, a broom, and a dust rag... pretty exciting huh.... maybe if I get all my chores done I will even treat myself to a movie or maybe I'll just take a hot bath and read a book.... in anycase - my plans are my own, and I will enjoy my last night or two of semi-freedom, and then embrace the "routine" of my life come Sunday.

Alright.... now about those invoices and proposal (picture me rolling my eyes and sighing....)

p.s. is it just me - or do other people find certain smells remind them of things? It can't be just me... here goes, Crayola Crayons and scotch tape - remind me of Christmas morning and all the creative potential of a blank piece of paper..... I have the tools in hand - and the blank canvas of the new year in front of me.... so here goes!!

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero
I am strong and wise
and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
and the world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone
I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there In my daughter's eyes

~Martina McBride

Day Four of the New Year

I have to say - I have had a number of phone calls and emails from friends this past few days, and even some invitations to spend time with people I haven't seen for a while.

Last night I had a really nice visit with a friend I haven't seen for a couple of months and who I have missed. She and I have always had an easy time relating to one another, both single mom's with kids, who have been in a dating relationship. We had a great heart to heart and are remarkably similar in our attitudes about things.

I spoke to her quite candidly about my approach to this new year - and I have to say - it felt good. She said "I am so proud of you and how you are handling all of this" to which I replied... "Yes I think I am a little proud of myself too... but it's only the third day - lol".

We had a really nice time and promised to stay in touch and reminded the other to call anytime.

This week - so far has been a good start to my getting things on the right track and feeling like I am once again heading in a direction with my life that feels a little clearer.

I think - although I had other plans - I need to have a quiet night in - all this excitement is wearing me out....

Contemplative

I was raised with music. My Dad loved music - and there was always something playing in the house, in the car, or a tune being hummed or sung.... when I grew up.

My brothers and I all seem to have a love of music - all different mind you, but a love never the less. Everything from old twangy country, to the more modern.

I often find I identify with a song the most when it speaks to an experience I've had, the way I am feeling, or perhaps a moment in time - either shared with another, or all on my own.

Music can make my heart soar, a tear fall, or make me want to get up and dance. I would say my taste in music is varied, although I do tend to like one extreme or another, either mellow and contemplative, or fast and catchy.

This morning I was listening to a recently aquired cd and found that the lyrics hit a note within me that was both clear, true, and ironic. Driving to work in the dark - with the moon still high in the sky, dressed for a mid-morning meeting (in the ever safe black) the music matched my mood of the moment.

Twenty years it's breaking you down,
now that you understand there's no one around.
Take a breath, just take a seat, you're falling apart and tearing at the seams.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It's on your face, is it on your mind,
would you care to build a house of your own.

How much longer, how long can you wait,
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It feels good. Is that reason enough for you.
It feels good. Is that reason enough for you.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Out of this one
Don't know how to get you out of this one,
don't know how to get you out of this one,

~The Fray

I choose to be alone - for now. It is a choice that I made. But in the end - I don't worry that I will "end up alone" and for the first time in my life - I am totally comfortable with this choice. It is hard to be alone - make no mistake, but the way I see it - a person has a choice to surround themself with good friends, and family - and to make the most out of their life.

I suspect when I find the inner peace that I seek - many other things will fall into place. I of course have no way to know this for certain.... lol

So - I plan in the days ahead - to do as I have always done - and that is - to listen to the music (perhaps even dance a little if no one is looking).

Happy New Year

New Year - New Outlook!

I woke up bright and early - cheers for no hangover on New Years Day - but I guess it helps if you don't drink anything on New Years Eve. I do believe the gods are shining down on me today - to give me an extra little push in the right direction. The Sun is Shining - there isn't a cloud in the clear blue sky - and I can take a deep breath.

But it's what comes after that - the deep breath came without some of the usual heaviness - it was a breath - not a sigh..... I am certain that in this next remark I will easily lose half my audience.... Someone pointed out a few things I might consider.... consider is the word I choose because I think they know my level of scepticism around all the self-help crap that is out there. I like to think a level head, and common sense can overcome many things.... but I did take a very small peek at some information and found a couple of things that didn't make me want to roll my eyes - well not exactly.

• I will take personal responsibility for my health and emotional stability.

• I will let go of negative emotional baggage I have been carrying. Only then will I be able to deal with your life in a realistic and positive manner.

• The resolution of feelings from the past so that I can face the present with a less obstructed view.

These things make sense to me... in some way and for different reasons. As I type this I listen to a line from a Van Morrison song - "I've been doing some soul searching...marching to the beat of a different drum, but lately I have realized the best is yet to come...." So today - my head is up, my outlook - is less dismal, and I plan to tackle the corners of my closets - literally - not figuratively. Thank you to my friends - the ones the send words of encouragement, that remind me of what I have going for me, and that if they can help all I have to do is ask. With those thoughts, and not thought of the past - firmly planted in my head - I move forward into 2007!

p.s. I pulled a page out of my daughters guide to life (a moment I recalled from when she was 2) and I licked the entire roof of our gingerbread house before tossing it out!!!!!

New Years Eve 2006

Some of you know and some of you Don't - but this year has been one of many ups and downs for me and over the past few days its as if someone has opened a door for me - the door to the closet with all my secrets in it - and turned me around and said - take a good hard look.

I have forced myself to stand in that doorway - open my eyes - and look really hard at what's inside - and it isn't pretty.

I have two statements to make and they won't make much sense to anyone but a few people closest to me.

• "What happened is not my fault"
• "I am so sorry - to a great many people that I have punished in my life - ever since"

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Coldplay - Fix You lyrics

I have a great deal of writing to do - and a great many things in my life to examine - alone, a great many things to work through and forgive. I am determined to take the frustrations and issues of my past and find a way to not only deal with, but make ammends, and forgive - so that I can move on confident that I am the person I have the ability to be - and to ensure that those that believe in me aren't sorry that they do.

My daughter, my friends, and those who have been more. I am sorry for what I have put you through - and I am sorry that I made you the object of my anger and frustration for things that had nothing to do with you. And for the rest of you - I am sorry I put you on the receiving end of what must have felt like a never-ending bleak view of my relationship life.

I will embrace my friendships - but leave my love life on the back burner (which isn't even turned on) until such time that I can walk on my own with a smile on my face - confident that I am putting my best foot forward - whether it be my right or my left.

Cheers

New Year
New Start
I can do this - I know I can